My Journey
About a year ago I read an article about a man struggling with his mental health and it brought me to tears. I related to it on such a deep level on my journey with anxiety.
The man wrote about how he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders. He wrote about habits he did before getting on airplanes, he wrote about how every experience he went into he envisioned the absolute worst case scenario. The man talked about being scared, feeling alone and unhappy.
That description, it was me. It was exactly me. Not only scared and un-happy but I was tired. I was tired because I was doing everything in my power to fight through these emotions.
I journaled. I prayed. I meditated. I drew. I invested in relationships. I ate healthy. I slept well. I listened to motivational podcasts. I volunteered. I traveled. I learned new things.
And to be honest, I don’t know where I would have been if I wasn’t doing those things. They kept me sane and they kept me stable. They let me live my life. But to be 100% honest they didn’t necessarily make me feel happy.
For as long as I can remember I’ve been easily angered, extremely emotional and overly sensitive. From an outsiders perspective you probably didn’t see me this way or even have a hard time imagining it. It’s crazy what we can hide. But if you were my close friend, family member or ever in a relationship with me you could feel my intensity. You could see it in my shoulders, feel it in my presence and hear it in my voice.
I remember reading about this man, his journey with his own self care practices and his first experience with medication. After about a month in… He said “I can remember holding my wife’s hand, and for the first time in 15 years knowing the joy of holding it” It made me cry.
Well a couple months ago I went through a break up. One that was really difficult for me because I cared/care deeply for this person. But like they say it’s darkest before the dawn. And ultimately the break up has been a really good thing for me. It’s what pushed me to address my emotions. Because honestly, they had to be addressed. I obviously wasn’t happy post break up, but what I realized even more importantly Is that I wasn’t happy before it either and I hadn’t been for a really long time.
This is something extremely difficult for me to admit.
Difficult for me to admit because one, I live an absolutely incredible life. Really, really incredible. I have the most wonderful friends and family, I have never struggled financially, I am not self-concious about my looks or body and have honestly had my entire life handed to me on a silver spoon. My family has truly given me the world. What’s there to be down about? But that wasn’t the only reason it was hard for me to admit this. It was hard to admit it even to myself because I was trying so hard. I was doing research to be proactive and doing everything I could to prevent anxiety from controlling me and I was implementing everything I learned.
It’s not to say these things didn’t help me. They helped me massively. I still do every single one of them. These healthy habits allowed and allow me to live a productive and incredibly meaningful life, but it didn’t change what I knew in my heart. I didn’t typically feel the security and happiness in the same way a lot of people do. Especially for the amount of effort I was putting into feeling good.
So one day about 3 months ago I made an appointment to see a psychiatrist.. We walked through my symptoms and everything going on. He diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Low Grade Depression from not addressing my GAD for such a long period of time. Then he prescribed me meds. It wasn’t the first time I’d been to a psychiatrist or been prescribed meds but what happened this time was different. I actually decided to take them.
After being on a low dose of prozac for about one month I felt something substantial change in my life. For the first time I felt like I actually KNEW what it felt like to hear the birds sing, to see a sunset or to feel the warmth of someone’s hug.
It’s really so difficult to explain but access to this medicine changed my life for the better. It’s not like I’ve never felt happiness before, but now I’m experiencing it in a more genuine way. I’m not just pretending or willing myself to be brave or to feel happy. I’m not pretending to be patient or less agitated. I just simply am. Or at least there is a substantial difference. We’re all always a work in progress!
This post is in no way to promote medicine. But it’s to remind you that it’s okay to need a little extra help. It’s okay if you don’t feel the same way everyone else does. It’s okay to feel scared or unhappy.
It’s not okay not to address it. It impacts your relationships, your health, your ability to work and most importantly it hides you. I want you to stand out! So if you can in any way relate to this post and want help, need guidance, please reach out! I will do my very best to help guide you in the right direction. Please share this with anyone who might be struggling with mental illness or with anyone at all. I think it’s time to help get this message out and end the #Stigma.
Always,
Coco
Courtney; brave post!! You have no idea how many you have helped with this in-depth look at what was going on with you!! I totally relate to anxious feeling. This was a great comfort to me.
You are so kind! And Im so grateful for your response! Makes me feel more confident about the post. If it even helped one person it was a success! And I am happy to hear it was of comfort to you! Thank you for always being such a support. I hope you are well! <3
ummmm hi. love this so much. i’m so proud of you for being bold and open. the world needs so much more of it. i’m on prozac, too and it truly has changed my life this year. I know exactly what you’re talking about with knowing the joy of a hug or really hearing the birds sing without the background noise of your anxiety and depression. it’s been a life saver for me and i’m so glad it’s doing well for you so far. we’re not weak for needing help – we’re strong for asking for it.
Hi Emma! So grateful for this note. Every note I get makes me feel more confident about sharing this post. And it’s crazy right I always knew I “should” love and appreciate those simple things but it feels like Im experiencing those small things like listening to a bird sing in an entirely new way. I’m happy to hear it’s been such a success for you too! We should grab coffee and catch up one of these days. <3 <3 <3 Xoxx
This. Is. Beautiful. I have also experienced a GAD. It still tries to rear its ugly head, but like you I sought many life changes to conquer it. Jesus and family and friends keep me on the right track. I didn’t try meds, but only because of my history of alcohol and drug addictions. I didn’t dare. I am so glad it’s helping you and I will share this beautiful post. I love you.
Thank you so so so much for your note! You are so sweet and I’m so thankful for you sharing the message! Medicine has definitely helped me, but like you too my family and building a relationship with God have been two other huge factors in battling the anxiety. Those two things actually gave me the strength to ask for more help! I hope I get to see and catch up with you soon. Sending you love!
Dearest Courtney, I am so very proud of you for having the courage to step forward with your story. I must say, though, that I’m not surprised. You are a brave young woman–it’s in your genes (as well as the GAD and the low grade depression–you may be surprised by how many people in our family tree suffer from depression, anxiety, addiction, etc.) What broke my heart was your shame over feeling that there was something ‘wrong’ with you simply because of the comfort of your life. Depending on who you talk to, your situation in life was the luck of the draw, your fulfillment of karma, your choice prior to landing on the planet of how you would experience life etc. Regardless of what you think–the point is that having a comfortable life does not make you immune to illness. And that is what you have. The brain is like any other organ in our body. We can’t tell our pancreas to “pull yourself up by your bootstraps and start making insulin!” Can you imagine a doctor saying that to a diabetic? But people (and still, unfortunately, health professionals) tell people to do exactly that because they don’t recognize mental illness as a true illness. Because our society is scared to death of even the MENTION of mental illness they choose to either remain in denial or to judge/condemn those who speak of it.I think back to the time (not so very long ago) when the treatment for any type of mental illness–or brain illness, which I prefer to call it–was antiquated, not spoken of in polite society as well as some of it’s treatments being downright barbaric. How very fortunate I was to seek help for my alcoholism and, what turned out to be, General Anxiety Disorder as well as PTSD and depression (which expressed itself on a physical level, not a mental level–although my bouts of rage when I was much younger attest to the fact that both the depression and anxiety were, indeed, a reality) at a time when there was help in the form of medication as well as talk therapy. The combination of talk therapy, medication and a 12 step program put me on the road to recovery. Drinking was my self-medication for my brain illnesses. It relieved me of so many of the symptoms I know you are familiar with. There are different types and severity of the disease of addiction-just as there are with physical illness or disease. Again, I was lucky enough to have a less severe case of addiction and my initial sobriety was not as horribly pain wracked–mentally and physically–as many people’s are. But, had I continued along the path I was traveling I would have died as a result of my ‘self-medication.’ At that point in my life I wasn’t making very good choices, but once I overcame my fear and shame and asked for help, *poof* all things fell into place. It is so very hard for me to ask for help–still, after all these years. Again, our society teaches us to ‘be strong’, ‘shake it off,’ and to ‘stop thinking about yourself so much as well as the famous, “it’s ALL in your HEAD.” Well, technically they are right, it IS all in our head– our brain–and your and my brain’s don’t create the chemicals needed to keep us from having an anxiety attack–as you described, we limit what we do, where we go, how we go, for how long, etc. etc. etc. It has been SUCH a relief to understand that what was happening to me was NOT MY FAULT. Certainly I had to take responsibility for the results of my words and actions when I had been drinking or using drugs–but to know that I didn’t cause my addictions, nor the other brain illnesses I had/have–helped lift the awful burden of shame that I had lived with for so very long. I just thought I was a weak willed, horribly bad person. I wasn’t. What I was, was sick. Of course there have been a few set backs along the way–and prior to an unavoidable set back a few years ago–I had been without any type of medication for many, many years. Once again I have gone on and on. What I should have said was just this: Great job, Courtney, I salute your bravery and honesty and stand behind you with support and love. And, of course, if you ever need to talk–just give me a holler–I will ALWAYS answer. I love you, honey–take good care of yourself–like you are!! Your cousin, (well, your first cousin once removed if you want to be precise.) Amy
Aww this post warmed my heart! And made me so happy to see your name pop up on here! I really appreciate you sharing ALL of this! I definitely can relate. I think my biggest struggle has been feeling like I’m not strong enough. You made so many points about this that brings me a lot of comfort. Thank you so much for sharing the message, supporting me and sending your love! I am sending you the same love and support right back! I can’t wait to see you next and catch up with you! <3
I say this is very brave and so well written!! So simple yet so complicated. Thank you for sharing. You are one beautiful soul, inside and out!! Xoxo
Thank you Mary! You are so kind to send this note! And it’s so true it is is simple and sooo complicated! Appreciate you always being a Coco supporter! I hope you are doing well! <3
So proud of you and lucky you call you a friend! This is beautiful, encouraging and real Court, thank you for sharing your story <3
Thank you sweet Kami! I <3 you and so proud to call you MY friend! Thank you for all your support!
What a beautiful and brave piece, Courtney. I am proud of you for sharing…and it was just wonderful to get to see you last weekend. You are beautiful inside and out!!
Kathy
Hi Kathy! Thank you so much for the note 🙂 It was SOOO good to see you! I felt like we had not caught up in forever! You and your family are seriously so wonderful. <3 you!
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I did not take the time to read other’s comments above mine but I will bet every one of them is sharing my similar thoughts. I could relate to every single word of this…ok, well maybe I don’t eat as healthy as I should- but I can still relate. I have told myself time and time again, “It will go away, you don’t need medicine.” But truly, it never goes away. And today my anxiety is worse than it was 5 years ago and certainly worse than it was 10-20 years ago. I want to enjoy my life! I want to life every day and not feel “worried” or “scared” in certain situations.
Thank you so much for helping me realize how important this issue is and why I need to do this for ME.
I am so so so glad you left a note. I was exactly the same way. Honestly for the longest time I felt like I was even kind of against medicine. I had the mentality I can do this by myself! But someone very important to me asked me if I would tell someone with diabetes or any other illness to ignore medicine and fight it on their own, when their body wasn’t fighting it! I think that is when I could finally could admit to myself that I was sick and it got easier from there. It was definitely a hard realization for me to come to but I am so glad I did. Because I’m feeling so much better and all my healthy habits are making even more of an impact on my life! Again thank you so much for leaving me a note. I was so nervous to share this and messages like this make me realize what an important message it actually is! Hope you enjoy the rest of you weekend and if you know anyone else struggling please share! Xoxoxo
Courageous, compelling and VERY helpful sharing of your personal experience. To feel lesser or weaker for needing medicarion for anxiety/depression is like feeling lesser or weaker for needing thyroid medication. Furthermore, some people mistakenly fear that medication will make them less who they are.
In fact, the opposite is true. When medicarion helps (and it doesn’t help everyone) you have the opportunity to be more yourself/—to come home to yourself. Nor does medication rid you of pain and suffering. It just takes the rocks out of your backpack ? and you still have to make the climb.
Thanks so much for this brave and authentic story. When we tell the truth, when we tell an honest story we make more room for others to do the same. This is such an important story and so beautifully told. I’ll be sure to share it widely.
Thank you dear Courtney.